Football Twitter Should Get In The Bin

I saw a great article yesterday, ironically on Twitter, about Football Twitter.

I like Twitter. I like it more than the other social media platforms, even if it is a toxic place at times. I follow people for their insight, I mute people because they incite and I share my stuff on there for people to read. It’s a great platform being ruined by what is termed ‘Football Twitter’.

Football Twitter is used to describe the general football community on Twitter. The responses, reactions, and revelations appear on there, usually in response to a goal, event, or something like that. It is a collective term for the football community but tends to describe an annoying subsection of it. Think about ‘society’ then think about the current petrol crisis. If Twitter is society, then those pouring fuel into empty Evian bottles are, in my eyes, ‘Football Twitter’.

The article I read yesterday was great. I’m gutted I can’t link to it, but I read it and whizzed past, and now it’s lost on my feed. If it was you who commented on it and caused it to appear on my timeline, let me know, and I’ll link it straight away. Anyway, this guy had a list of things that annoyed him on Football Twitter, and it got me thinking; everything he said annoyed me, but not one would appear on my top five.

I’ve just returned from my morning dog walk, where I formulated the five things I absolutely despise from Football Twitter.

Delete Club / Small Club

Yup, that’s right, I’m going to find examples. If you feature here, I make no apologies.

This really gets my gander up. It’s usually a response to something a club does. Let’s say Lincoln are away to Oxford, and Oxford score a third; someone will come on and put ‘delete club’ as a response. The context is that on FIFA, a video game, you can delete your club and start again. A big button says ‘delete club’, and it is usually used if you have screwed up with your club and want to start again. The inference here is that a bad result means you should delete the club and start again. Yeah, hilarious, especially the 1000th time you see it. These guys should get a comedy medal.

‘Small Club’ is a cousin of ‘Delete Club’. Small club tends to be when a club that considered themselves bigger than you does something against you that makes them look good; for instance Ipswich score against Lincoln. They think it’s funny to then reference you as a small club, because they’re so great. There’s a fundamental problem here; they’re competing on the same level as you. It’s like being held back a year at school, and then calling the kids you end up in class with ‘little kids’, because you’re a year older. Yes, you have hair on your balls, but you’re still colouring in pictures whilst all the other kids are doing algebra. Who is the joke really on here, you wet wipe?

Tagging

This usually occurs when Peterborough are linked with a player. Someone tags MacAnthony and he says ‘no’, then signs them. Something like that anyway. In this context it is just about bearable, I suppose, as it is a request for information, but usually you can tell if there’s truth or not. If the account is Transfer Centre 9, it’s probably misinformation on a ‘BBC petrol crisis’ level. If it’s from Pete O’Rourke, then you really don’t need Darragh to cloud the issue.

It’s when fans tag players in posts about general stuff that really winds me up. Someone says something about a player, and a snotty-nosed 12-year-old tags the player in it, like they’re best mates. @randomnumernine, you seen this? I’ve seen it before, and even worse is the deafening silence from the player. Sure, I’ve seen it kid, but if you think I’m going to come on and tell you Manchester United supporting 12-year-old mate he’s a dick, you’re wrong.

Finally, and this is one I might get a few pelters for, is people tagging me in stuff. If it’s for the British Heart Foundation game, I’m delighted to be tagged, that’s a great way to link to my account and it helps keep me informed. But, there are times when I load up my Twitter to see ’67 notifications’, and I think ‘oooh, my xG article has finally got traction’. Instead, I’ve been tagged by a random account in a list of the league’s leading scorers, and people from across the country are coming on to big up their player. Yes, I can mute the conversation, but it’s still a pain. My immediate belief I might be going viral for my well-informed opinions and witty prose (modest) is replaced by a load of League One fans replying with a goat emoji.

GOAT

Yup, I’m going there. This thing about ‘goat’, it’s just utter madness. I got it at first. Goat (greatest of all time, for those who don’t know), started appearing in reference to Ronaldo or Messi. I get that, it isn’t my preferred method of expressing my admiration for a footballer, but for those less fortunate, I guess using a picture will suffice. The problem is, it has spread, like the word legend. Now, a player gets 15 minutes at the end of the game and hits the bar; he’s the GOAT, not Ronaldo. I’ve seen it used to describe virtually every player, so much so that I’m now confused as to who isn’t the GOAT. Maybe, Lionel Messi is a goat (the goat, I don’t know), but Lee Tomlin isn’t. In fact, the only player I can accept hearing called GOAT who does not have a major international trophy, several domestic trophies and about £300m in the bank is Shaun Goater, the original goat.

Salt and Tears

I fell foul to this at the weekend. You have to be so careful not to trigger the idiots. It’s like QI, if you’ve ever watched it, you’re just waiting for someone to lay one on for Alan Davies, he walks into in and off goes the buzzer… aaaaaaahhhhhh, like when the opposition keeper takes a goal kick, or a waiter drops a plate in a restaurant. Triggering the salt and tears brigade is easy. You see a post that you have an issue with, based on an occurrence in a recent game (let’s take Bonne’s ‘goal’ for Ipswich the other day). You reply, without thinking, and a load of smug kids suddenly pile on from nowhere. ‘Want some chips with that salt’, ‘cry some more’ and other such intelligent responses. Firstly, if I were even thinking of rolling out such gems, I’d check the other responses to see if I was in danger of repetition. If I was, I’d hold off and think of something original. Now, even if another comedy genius hadn’t already gone down the salt and tears route, I’d think about it long and hard. How original is a ‘salty’ reference, even if noboy has posted it? How amusing is it, really, to drop that? The answer is not at all, you sound like a ten-year-old trying to impress his Dad. Instead, my reply might be arguing why Bonne’s goal should have stood (futility by the way, it shouldn’t), but I wouldn’t drop a one-liner as original as a Me First and the Gimme Gimmes’ track.

Transfer Muppets

I’ve done this before, so I’ll be brief. Your club are linked with a player, and one afternoon, the club drop a social media post advertising ticket sales. “That’s not TJ Eyoma” – I’ve used another fan who hates it as an example here, just to be safe. It happens up and down the land, every single transfer window. Then, when a player is announced, it’s like Christmas, with someone immediately asking if there’s anymore? No, you spoiled little brat, you have one present and that’s it. Ungrateful sod, you could be Doncaster, they didn’t sign anyone, why would we do two in a day? Even when there’s two, someone puts that ‘and another one’ GIF, expecting a third. It’s incessant, the sense of entitlement in Football Twitter. Don’t even get me started on GIFs, ‘cheers son’s crying’, but with crying crossed out and buzzing put in. It doesn’t even make sense! Your repurposing a GIF describing sadness for happiness, but still using the picture of a man crying. You’re basically taking the lowest form of communication, used by cavemen before words were invented (pictures, for those at the back), and using them badly. You’re cognitively weaker than a caveman, well done. Still, here’s to a fifth transfer today. In fact, the only thing worse than transfer muppets are clubs that indugle them in their announcements; ‘you wanted another one…’. Yeah, alright Ipswich, but it does have to stop somewhere. Just because Nigel from Stowmarket wants eighteen signings in a day, you don’t have to give them it.